I have to be completely honest. Up until the last week or so, I was not enjoying motherhood. Being a mom is probably the most challenging, yet rewarding experience of my life. And I feel guilty for saying that I haven't enjoyed it. I expected to be like the moms I hear about that just adore having a baby. They are happy to sit and stare into their baby's eyes all day long. They say it is the best thing that ever happened to them. So when I didn't experience these warm fuzzy feelings, I felt like maybe something was wrong with me. Like maybe I wasn't cut out to be a great mom after all. How can so many women yearn for babies when all they do is cry? Am I missing something here?
The days are still very long and difficult. I find that as the day wears on, I feel more tired and drained. By evening I am just DONE. It is as if I have given everything that was in me and I have nothing more to give to Ryan. I sometimes wonder how I will get up in the morning and do it all over again, because I am just so incredibly fatigued. And then morning comes and my smiling baby boy is ready to spend another day with me, and I somehow find the energy to do it all over again.
So maybe I'm not the typical mom that loves having a baby. I do know that I love my son Ryan more than I imagined possible. As Ryan becomes more and more aware and responsive, it makes all the struggles a little bit easier. He is starting to interact more by smiling and reacting to my silly voices, and that puts a smile on my face.And each day gets just a little bit easier as the weeks go by. But these first few months were not what I was expecting. Nobody told me that I just might not enjoy it.