I have to be completely honest. Up until the last week or so, I was not enjoying motherhood. Being a mom is probably the most challenging, yet rewarding experience of my life. And I feel guilty for saying that I haven't enjoyed it. I expected to be like the moms I hear about that just adore having a baby. They are happy to sit and stare into their baby's eyes all day long. They say it is the best thing that ever happened to them. So when I didn't experience these warm fuzzy feelings, I felt like maybe something was wrong with me. Like maybe I wasn't cut out to be a great mom after all. How can so many women yearn for babies when all they do is cry? Am I missing something here?
The days are still very long and difficult. I find that as the day wears on, I feel more tired and drained. By evening I am just DONE. It is as if I have given everything that was in me and I have nothing more to give to Ryan. I sometimes wonder how I will get up in the morning and do it all over again, because I am just so incredibly fatigued. And then morning comes and my smiling baby boy is ready to spend another day with me, and I somehow find the energy to do it all over again.
So maybe I'm not the typical mom that loves having a baby. I do know that I love my son Ryan more than I imagined possible. As Ryan becomes more and more aware and responsive, it makes all the struggles a little bit easier. He is starting to interact more by smiling and reacting to my silly voices, and that puts a smile on my face.And each day gets just a little bit easier as the weeks go by. But these first few months were not what I was expecting. Nobody told me that I just might not enjoy it.
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It's so good to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really enjoy Shea's first few months. Sure, there were tons of great and amazing parts, and of course I loved her unconditionally. But it was filled with a lot of crying/fussing/soothing/bouncing, etc. Not exactly pleasant.
If Maya was my first baby, I probably would have been one of those "I LOVE the newborn stage!" people, because she slept 20 hours a day and was generally adaptable and easy-going. There were plenty of hours to rest while she slept! They are all different!
And if it's any consolation, I really like motherhood more and more as they get older and increasingly interactive. Shea is so much fun as a three year-old now.
Your not alone at all! Ayden was going to be an only child. I didn't want to do it again. I loved him more then life it self but I didn't think I had it in me to do it again. But it gets better! By the day. Before I knew it I was looking at my 5 month old saying when did my baby grow up? I'm not ready to lose my baby. Honey lets have another. But I tell you what the 2nd was so so easy. And feeling the way you do doesn't make you one bit a bad mother or person. Being a mother is the hardest thing a person can do! But its the best!!!
ReplyDeleteEvery Mother has her forte I think. I wasn't one for sitting and gazing either. Sometimes I felt bad for that, but I just kept on taking care of my very busy baby. And then at nine months (when she was walking and getting up at 6AM thank you very much), I put her in bed with me and began to read to her. She LOVED it!! I spent a couple of hours a day when I needed a break reading out loud and we BOTH enjoyed it. I had a friend who had NINE children. She didn't have a baby like Jessamy until her SIXTH! And she said if she had had him first she doesn't know if she would of had any more!! All hers up to that time were super easy. Plus she had help with the sixth with the older kids helping. I felt SO vindicated! So you just keep on keeping on little Mama. Things will get ever so much better and you will have a son that adores his Mom and will be thankful she took such pains to love and care for him. Also on a more practical note, being part of a Mom's group with babies saved my sanity more than once. I went twice a week to hang with Mom's and their babies til Jessamy was FOUR!! It was called Las Madres, and you might see if they are still active and in your area. You are doing great believe me. Love from your Auntie.
ReplyDeleteSusan
Check out FUN(Fremont, Union City, Newark) Mother's Club
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is beautiful! When I first had my son I didn't instantly fall in love, though now I love him more than air. No one tell you how hard it is, how monotonous it is, how the milestones are few and far in between, how you sometimes desrie your former pre-baby life.
ReplyDeleteI really didn't feel like I knew what I was doing or like I liked what I was doing until Jaxon was 3 months old. You'll get there girly! You're not alone!