Mommy Night Terrors

Back when Ryan was a newborn I woke up frequently. And not just because he woke up often to nurse. Even when he was asleep and I was finally able to fall asleep, I would often jerk awake in panic. Was he breathing? Had I fallen asleep nursing him and accidentally dropped him? Had I rolled over and crushed him? Was that him crying? Every single night these thoughts would wake me up and confuse me. It would take me a few minutes to sort things out in my head and figure out that everything was ok. I eventually stopped doing this after a couple months, but unfortunately I've started doing this again! I'm calling them my Mommy Night Terrors.

Ryan is so active now that I have to keep a constant watch over him. In the blink of an eye he can fall and crack his head on the fireplace, eat the dog food, or knock over a lamp. I am really not joking when I say that I can't take my eyes off of him. I think my brain has gotten used to being super-vigilant during the day and now it doesn't know how to shut off at night.

I keep waking up and thinking Ryan has fallen off our bed, but more often than not, he's actually in his crib and not even in the same room. Another example is Adam's nightstand, which is really a filing cabinet. When the top drawer is opened, it is so heavy that the entire filing cabinet can fall over. Ryan has opened it a few times and almost had it fall on him. So now sometimes I wake up and think Ryan is opening the filing cabinet and about to be crushed. I am so terrified until I figure out he isn't in any danger. It is both scary and frustrating! Why can't I just turn my brain off?